It Had to Be Done

The son of my parents' best friends is getting married. They are one of those close family friends that growing up I called them Aunt and Uncle because they were always around. Thus, the guy getting married is kind of like a cousin who I don't see or talk to anymore. Anyways, they all moved to Atlanta a few years ago and got rich, thus this upcoming wedding is supposed to be some sort of extravaganza.

My "Aunt" is worried that the bride's side is going to be a lot larger so has been harassing my mom and dad to have my brother and I bring dates. Well guess what, I don't have a date or anyone who I feel like forcing into being my date and buying their plane ticket, soooo tough nuts Auntie.

I have made the final decision to go because I want to see how fancy this wedding can be. However, with this I decided it was best to email my folks a few ground rules. The below is taken from this email:

Subject: OK its been done

Body:
I just placed the RSVP postcard and rehearsal dinner envelope for N’s wedding in the outgoing mail bin. After doing so I thought it best to lay out a few ground rules for how this is all going to play out…and before you start laughing and huffing and puffing about all this, please place yourself in my shoes, refocus, and read on. Thank you in advance.

#1: By no means, under any circumstances, at the rehearsal dinner, cocktail party, or reception, are you allowed to tell me (whether it be verbatim or any phrase sounding similar), “that guy is cute, why don’t you go talk to him.” Being there stag is embarrassing enough, I don’t need my parents to try to get me some game at a wedding.
#2: I am allowed to have as much beer as I want.
#3: If all of N’s friends are out dancing and I feel more comfortable sitting at a table with you two, you must let me and not make me feel like a loser about it. I don’t know them, I know you, this is already awkward enough, end of story.
#4: If Mike N. is there stag, Dad must initiate and involve me in a conversation with him because none of the above pertains to him because I kind of know him and he is cute.
#5: If the number of people who ask me what my relationship status is hits 5, before I leave to come back to New York I get to go shopping.
#6: By no means, under any circumstances, at the rehearsal dinner, cocktail party, or reception, are you allowed to tell me (whether it be verbatim or any phrase sounding similar), “that guy is cute, why don’t you go talk to him.” Being there stag is embarrassing enough, I don’t need my parents to try to get me some game at a wedding.
#7: I, and you if you feel so inclined, am allowed to embellish my job, apartment, and previous mini-almost relationship with the NYC fireman. And as the questions from strangers continue, this is bound to happen.
#8: I am allowed to add more rules to this list as I think of them and/or the weekend progresses.

Thank you for your understanding.